the hurt i feel is from how unprepared i was and how my vulnerability in that unpreparedness felt under-appreciated and my embarrassment at being unable to say what i need or to ask for what i want and my longing for an experience that rivals my previous ones and my frustration at myself for fumbling a chance. my anxiety is in knowing how replaceable my body is. i am having a hard time reconciling with my body's mutilator. g-d is a surgeon and her knife made me hate the mirror even more. i am objectively horrifying. i startle even myself. to lose being told that i am beautiful hurts so much more than it did when i actually was. i want what doesn't want me. i can't have what i don't ask for. i can't ask for it if i don't know what i want.
the hurt i feel is from how unprepared i was and how my vulnerability in that unpreparedness felt under-appreciated and my embarrassment at being unable to say what i need or to ask for what i want and my longing for an experience that rivals my previous ones and my frustration at myself for fumbling a chance. my anxiety is in knowing how replaceable my body is. i am having a hard time reconciling with my body's mutilator. g-d is a surgeon and her knife made me hate the mirror even more. i am objectively horrifying. i startle even myself. to lose being told that i am beautiful hurts so much more than it did when i actually was. shuffle this city like a deck of cards and there's hands of jokers just like me. i want what doesn't want me. i can't have what i don't ask for. i can't ask for it if i don't know what i want.
PROMPT: Scientists have discovered the secret to immortality. Write a petition to save the event of death.
IN DEFENSE OF DEATH...
friend of a friend I haven't met yet.
the ultimate bogart,
the forbidden orgasm,
the worst prank ever.
g-d's final five-finger discount,
inventor of the last-minute prayer,
Bic'er of the light inside.
so what do we owe ourselves to now?
no terrible goal,
no distant relief,
no belabored dread.
nothing but an eternity of the unknown.
nothing but the uncertainty of forever.
hurt heart light soul cold feet hot breath chill night warm hands wet eyes sweet sigh sharp teeth soft ground tongue out boots on lets GO
to fall asleep, he took out his gun. he drank her arms. she walked out of the rain. the blood drained from the milk. he helped her into the room and drove on through the heavy rain. she lit a cigarette and lied to the police. he thought about her until he said goodbye. he dialed and waited for her to beg. all of his friends remembered her naked body.
my problems are questions
i am an obvious
pleasure machine
my heart once drunk to speak
so now i have nothing
new to say
this intimate thing
absolute and magic
a little fire explores
and this laugh lingers
yes i believed in their power
don't you remember
we were touching like lavender
that night we survived
I’M SINGING ALONG TO YOU PLAYING GUITAR OVER AN ENCRYPTED VIDEO CALL
I’M SINGING ALONG TO YOU PLAYING GUITAR OVER AN ENCRYPTED VIDEO
I’M SINGING ALONG TO YOU PLAYING GUITAR OVER AN ENCRYPTED
I’M SINGING ALONG TO YOU PLAYING GUITAR OVER ENCRYPTED
I’M SINGING ALONG TO YOU PLAYING GUITAR ENCRYPTED
I’M SINGING ALONG TO YOU PLAYING ENCRYPTED
I’M SINGING ALONG TO YOU ENCRYPTED
I’M SINGING ALONG TO ENCRYPTED
I’M SINGING ALONG ENCRYPTED
I’M SINGING ENCRYPTED
I’M ENCRYPTED
I’M
I’M
I’M
WHAT IF FRANKENSTEIN AND HIS MONSTER WERE ACTUALLY THE SAME CREATURE
&&&
I FEEL MOST LIKE A FAGGOT RIGHT BEFORE I AM CAUGHT
I.
my body's monster
can either mean my body [OWNS] a monster
or my body [IS] a monster
II.
sometimes i want to leave my skin in one of the terrific and dangerous ways other transsexuals do
III.
so i am reading the blog of someone who is transitioning back to their birth gender
after dysphoria in both binaries / and they say
i can’t look at myself anymore &
i feel like a freak | monstrous | frankensteined
and there is no binary that could convince me to pray
to it but the creature that lives shuttered against
the wall of my chest hears something familiar and
rears its malform | monstrous | miscreation
IV.
in the supermarket some child always shrieked stickily to their discontent adult
IS THAT A BOY | OR A GIRL
at first i’d hide in the next aisle to break into some kind of shamed sob
then i’d sneer back at whichever newly-toothed mouth the question came from
WHAT IF I’M NEITHER
WHAT IF I’M BOTH
WHAT IF I’M NOTHING
WHAT IF I’M LEAVING
WHAT IF I’M GONE
V.
after i get top surgery, my lover visits me
in recovery & holds my hand & when my bandages
come off, he
leaves.
VI.
i flinch when i drive through intersections because
my body remembers a car accident it survived
(my body remembers it did not have a limp prior)
i flinch when i see myself in the mirror because
my body remembers a sloppy surgery it survived
(my body remembers what grew there before it was un-grown)
i flinch when you say u know i love u right? because
my body doesn’t remember a love that it survived
VII.
i wonder how many years it will take of me stumbling
over the prayer following another confident voice before
i remember the cadence of community as smoothly as i do
the threat of christianity / what wonder / a prayer
my abusers never memorized / an altar i wasn’t molested
behind / a religious service i didn’t spend just as long
trying to scrub off /
VIII.
i am spending chanukah reading a historical account of anti-semitism
a blonde boy with blue eyes is still a jew if he’s born a jew
my father went to catholic school and they tried to beat the jew out of him
IX.
what is a jew
but an anxiety
growing sourly
ashamed of itself
X.
the borders are closed so we video-chat across time-zones
our voices crackle like glass breaking
last year i set my curtains on fire waiting for the light to
(((fade)))
XI.
what do leftists dream about?
cop cars on fire | being arrested
being loved | lovers being arrested
setting cop cars on fire with lovers
XII.
someone else's meatsuit && i are making out on their couch
instead of moving like dreams our sweat congeals && we laugh
i move to choke her like the faggots we are
&& i wake up, caught mid-----
I.
the astrologers in their infinite mercy
only cluck at my cards this time
II.
we all know i’ll skip a party to wait for
a text that doesn’t happen
III.
i’m not making my bed i haven’t in weeks
i’m just lying in it
IX.
i came out when poets still listed the states
we were allowed to consummate
marriage in and the crowd chanted
their contrapuntal traumas back
to us
to have
& to hurt
to hurt
& to hold
VENUS IN TAURUS
i left after she
came. already planning on
lying at home, too.
Behold!
I come like a thief--
Oh child, you cannot stay awake this long.
Were you raised to fear yourself like I was?
Oh darling, a yew-bloom into debt-sin.
Is this not what you wanted?
Creation without limit?
Oh, where are my manners?
Let me introduce you to perdition.
I lay myself on your chest.
My home is your voice.
Child, I am crazed with you.
Oh, strapped for sustenance--
I will consume all you love.
I will consume all who love you.
[revolution and/or revelation]
[revulsion and/or revision]
There is no escape without sleep.
I am a w[hole]. I empty as I fill.
Child, I missed you. I mist you.
I guest you. I ghost you.
I will be your final meal.
I will meet you within the past.
We will walk the aisle
to the altar of the future.
This will be our final communication.
: :
*commission from late 2020, to be played as a game on a website that I can't currently remember the name of :(
IF I REPEAT IT ENOUGH TIMES IT BECOMES TRUE
IF I REPEAT IT ENOUGH TIMES IT BECOMES ALIVE
IF I BELIEVE IT ENOUGH TIMES IT REPEATS
IF I BELIEVE IT REPEATS IT BECOMES ALIVE
IF I BELIEVE IT ALIVE IT BECOMES TRUE
IN TRANNY JAIL PEOPLE WHO HATE ME WILL SHARE THEIR CIGS WITH ME
i don't even like cigs but
around the fire we are all the same kind
of faggot /
there are liberals who think the solution to
overcrowded prisons is building
more prisons
then sorting the trannies out of regular jail
and putting them in a newly built
tranny jail
and in tranny jail,
we're gonna lift weights and compare shitty tattoos
in tranny jail,
people who have beef with me probably still
have beef with me and i wonder
all the time if we're all
in tranny jail together,
will we finally uplift each other?
will tranny jail make us kinder animals?
(we'll never know b/c if they get enuf of us in a cell we'll bang down the bars)